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Too busy to post on here too... but I promise I will soon.

Snuggles and Struggles

After working all day, I pick up Alexa from school.  We play for an hour together and then I have to make dinner.  She watches Blue’s Clues or Little Einsteins while I prepare our meals.  We eat together, I clean up dinner and then it is time for Alexa’s bath.  Some nights I sit next to the tub and do a little exercise with hand weights while she plays with her bath toys.  It’s the only chance I have!  After a long bath, I chase her around the house trying to get her dressed for bed, brush her hair and brush her teeth.  We clean up her room and I make her “chocolate (greens and berries) almond milk” while she picks out 2 bedtime books.  Sometimes she helps and puts the “chocolate” into her almond milk.  We both crawl into her bed and read books together.  “Two more books” she asks when I say THE END after book #2.  Usually, I cave since it is the only time I get to snuggle with her and read with her these days.  She crawls down off her bed to pick out two more books.  Then it is lights out time which comes with some resistance as she begs for another book and has to go to the toilet one more time.  Finally, REALLY lights out.  “Mommy, don’t leave!”  “Snuggle with me!”  “Mommy wants to snuggle with me.”  Again, I cave for two reasons.  One, because when I try to leave she begins to cry hysterically begging me through gasps of air and tears to not leave her.  And two, because I am perfectly aware these precious times will be gone all too soon.  I know my bedtime snuggle time with her won’t last forever and this breaks my heart.  However, the process isn’t that easy.  She fights going to sleep, tossing and turning, throwing her kitten blanket off and then asking me over and over to put it back on her.  She sings her ABC’s; begins to tell me who is a boy and a girl in our household “Camnut is a boy, Daddy is a boy, Mommy is a girl, Alexa is a girl, Acadia is a girl…”.  She asks me “what’s that noise?” to every single creek and crack sound she hears.  I answer her questions and quickly tell her “Shhhhh, it is time to go to sleep.  Relax, close eyes.”  Just as she finally begins to settle down and get quiet, POP! She sits up and tells me she has to go potty “One. More. Time.”  After potty break number whatever, we crawl back into her bed and begin the settling down process all over again.  Over the course of the hour to 2 hours this sleep process takes I begin to loose patience.  I’m almost 34 weeks pregnant and so physically uncomfortable now.  Thoughts of how I am going to handle this extensive bedtime routine while trying to take care of a newborn swarm my head.  It is exhausting.  I’m exhausted and distraught.  Once she finally falls asleep, I sneak out of her room so I can finish cleaning up the kitchen, take out the trash and prepare her lunch for school for the next day.  Then I jump on the computer to cram in a few more hours of work before finally laying down in my empty bed to relax for 30 minutes with a book or mindless TV before going to sleep.  Two to three hours after I close my eyes I hear a cry.  Alexa is up crying for me.  She had a nightmare or maybe just woke up and found me “missing”.  I can’t focus my eyes, but still stumble down the stairs into her bedroom.  I open the door to find her sitting up in bed.  “Lay down with me Mommy.”  “Alexa”, I say, “I can’t honey, you need to go back to sleep on your own like you always have before.”  “NO, MOMMY, NO!  PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!  AYAYA WANTS TO COME UP STAIRS AND SLEEP IN MOMMY’S BED!”  If I let her sleep in my bed, it is easier and actually pretty nice to have her next to me.  But, I don’t know how it will work when Daddy is home again or when there is an infant upstairs with us too, so this makes me hesitate.  If I don’t let her come up, then the power struggle begins.  She cries and repeatedly gets out of bed and runs out of her room crying for me in desperation.  So, what do I do?  Let her sleep in my bed of course.  I go back and forth with cherishing these snuggling moments and feeling the effects of the lack of sleep she is getting as well as myself.  I never sleep well with her in my bed for some reason.  I never have even when she was an infant.  I’m up and down tons all night.  Of course the pregnancy is making it worse with constant pee breaks and water chugging thirst.  I am exhausted and emotional and feel like I am running out of time.  Running out of time with my little Alexa and running out of time to get these sleep issues remedied before baby number 2 comes.  Everyone in this house needs to get a good night sleep!

Sadly, instead of spending my 30 minutes of personal time at night connecting with the baby in my tummy or reading pregnancy/delivery books, I am spending the time reading about how to parent Alexa better.  How to compassionately help her to sleep on her own again and how to compassionately set limits and compassionately discipline.  I feel so unprepared for the baby’s arrival as my memory is cloudy about breastfeeding schedules and don’t even know what to expect or what to do when I go into labor.  All my energy is going into Alexa.  I am exhausted.  I am emotional.  I am breaking down.  It will help when Daddy is home again, but this yachtie lifestyle will take him away from us again less than two weeks later.  This is all consuming.  She used to be such a good sleeper going to bed on her own, sleeping for 10+ hours a night without a peep.  I'm breaking down.  I don’t know what to do.

I need to go for a long run and I’d love to get drunk...

I’m going to be honest with you… I’m having a rough time.  George and I have been separated this time for 18 days so far and it feels like an eternity.  I’m sick, exhausted, emotional, stressed, overwhelmed, and in pain.  I’m ready for this pregnancy to be over with and at the same time completely stressed out of my mind about the arrival of this newest little addition.  I constantly wonder how I am going to balance taking care of two, mostly alone.  My patience is shot and my emotions are running high.  This normally calm, strong woman has cried more tears in the last 24 hours than I care to admit.  Mostly tears of guilt as I beat myself up each night for not being more patient with Alexa during these final weeks.  I feel like I’m running out of time with my precious daughter.  I am simultaneously being torn between irritation/exhaustion by her strong-headed, full-blown toddlerism and desperately wanting to spend every waking moment smothering her with kisses and I love you’s.

To top it off, I haven’t had the time or energy to get anything ready for this new little baby. I’ve been home from France now for two weeks and all I’ve managed to get done for the baby is moving a couple pieces of furniture and buying a few clothes.  The crib is in pieces, literally in pieces.  The swing is buried deep in the garage and probably has families of spiders living in it.  There are so many little infant bits and pieces scattered about all my friends and I desperately need it all to start coming together fast.  The stress of my nesting instincts is becoming unbearable. 

How am I going to balance a toddler and an infant, work, manage a house hold and manage myself alone?  I need to go for a long run and I’d love to get drunk… just a little drunk.  Sadly, neither is in my near future… well, maybe they actually are… Eek.  Only 5 to 7 weeks before I am a yachtie mom of two!  Holy Shit!

Adventure Catch Up

I’ve so been slacking on this blog and focusing more on my pregnancy blog http://ourpregnancymindbodyspirit.blogspot.com/ during my allocated blogging time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have loads to share with you on Yachtie Mommy.  So much adventure to share… In fact, there is no way to properly fill you in.  However, I will attempt to recap.  I’ll leave out the boring work stuff, daily chores and my days where I am so exhausted I can barely stand up straight and instead I’ll start with mine and Alexa’s second adventure to the island of St. Margarette with my friends Lauren and Sarah.  Adventurous boat trips lead us to hiking through the Eucalyptus forest, picnic on the rocky beach and swimming in the clear blue Med.  So fun.  Then, a few more trips to the Juan les Pins beaches, train rides to Antibes, carousels, playgrounds, the artsy glass blowing French town of Biot, the boat trip to Monaco, a fish feeding frenzy on our feet, Gorges du Verdon, painting, cutting, pasting, clay, workbooks, coloring, drawing, Hello Kitty crocks, “fishing” for ducks, jelly fish stings and bird’s pooping on our heads.  George was present for some of the above adventures which was great, but lately has been working on a yacht the last 5 days… we miss him, but little A and I have kept pretty busy.  Here’s some photos…

No More Afternoon Siesta, Already… Really?

In Spain, everyone shuts down after lunch.  Businesses close, restaurants stop serving and in the summers many companies even have what they call “summer hours” where employees come to work early (around 7 or 7:30am) and then end for the day at 1pm, have a long wine-filled lunch and then rest for a while after, siesta.  So why is my soon to be 28 month old toddler on the verge of giving up afternoon naps forever?  I guess the fact I don’t feed her any wine at lunch could contribute to the issue, but still… I need that nap time to work and on the days I don’t have any work, I need that nap time to decompress, to have my own little couple of hours to myself.  No more afternoon nap is detrimental to my work schedule and my sanity, but then again what am I to do?  On the days she does nap, it takes hours to get her to go to sleep at night with battles sometimes lasting until past 11pm!  If she skips naps, sometimes the late afternoons are filled with tears and tantrums and I’m not just talking about Alexa’s tears and tantrums.  Good news is when afternoon naps are skipped, night time is a breeze.  She is out within 10 minutes after closing our last bedtime story freeing up more time for me to get work done or to connect with my hubby.  We are in a transitional phase, again.  Let’s face it, it really doesn’t matter if I am not ready for Alexa to give up her afternoon nap, she IS ready to give it up so I need to quickly learn to adapt.

Home Sweet Home… well, not really.

On our way home from Barcelona, as we got closer and closer to our villa in Juan les Pin, I felt a heaviness come over me, a slight depression feeling really.  At the risk of sounding snobby, I have to admit, I really don’t like living in the South of France.  I know, I know, it all sounds so luxurious… sun bathing on the French Riviera beaches, French rose wine, frolicking among the lavender and sunflower fields, bike rides along the cote d’azur, listening to people speak the beautiful romantic French language, devouring French delicacies on our villa apartment terrace overlooking the mountains and the Mediterranean sea.  Well, here’s our lives right now from a different perspective… the beaches are so crowded you can barely find a square inch of sand to claim for yourself, the ocean water is cold and crowded most of the time, I can’t drink any French rose right now because I am pregnant, usually we see lavender and sunflower fields only as we fly by them on the highway in a car and can’t stop to play in them or even take a photo, the French language is so hard to learn for me I can’t communicate with anyone here to save my life, the French people around here are very rude, the streets are so small and crowded with cars that bike rides are actually quite stressful and dangerous especially with a pregnant woman who is quickly loosing my sence of balance on a road bike carrying a 30 lb toddler on the back, and… well… I guess it isn't all bad... the dinners on our terrace CAN be quite nice.  Too bad I can’t enjoy any of the wine Daddy G drinks each night nor can I enjoy any of the most popular delicious Mediterranean dishes due to lack of pasteurization and the risk of listeria and toxoplasmosis in pregnancy.

Sigh.  I always feel guilty after a flood of negativity like the paragraph above.  I usually try to keep my negative thoughts to myself only allowing them to detonate when I can finally truly laugh about the whole situation.  Maybe a small part of me believes in instant karma, so I feel a strong urge to quickly convert any pessimistic attitude to cheerful, positive, bright.  I should be grateful for these experiences and I am.  Despite my frustration with the French language and French people, I am learning and so is Alexa.  To compliment Alexa’s growing English language vocabulary, she understands quite a bit of French and Spanish and can count to 10 in both languages and to 20 in English.  She says, “Merci”, “Gracias”, “Grazie”, “Adios”, “A bientot”, “Hola”, “Au revoir”, “Bonjour”, “Hello”, “Hi”, “Ciao”, "Bye" and “Bonne journee” perfectly.  Just about every day over here is something new and different for Alexa and for me.  And the access via road trip to so many amazing places near to here is absolutely amazing.  We are truly blessed.  And let’s face it, even if I can’t enjoy any of the wines over here this time, the olives, croissants and cappuccinos are to die for.

"Three Days in Rome"

Wait, isn’t that a Sheryl Crow song “Three Days in Rome”?  I meant, “Three Days in Barcelona”… excuse me, Bar-the-lona.  Once again, little A and I tagged along on one of G’s business trips for the adventure.  George and I have experienced Barcelona many times before and LOVE it there, but Alexa has never been to Spain… so off we went.  Alexa is becoming a super star road trip queen.  6+ hours in the car and barely a peep.  I wonder how many times she can watch “Finding Nemo”, “Happy Feet”, “Barney”, “Dora” and “Go Diego Go” before she has a mental breakdown… or before I have one.  Day one, while G was working at MB92, Alexa and I decided to explore the Barcelona Aquarium.  Now, anyone who knows me knows I do not agree with any animal “parks” used for human entertainment.  Zoos, animal circuses, and marine style parks with Orcas and Dolphins included, but rescue/rehabilitation animal parks and open water aquariums do seem okay to me.  I mean, in open water access aquariums on the coast the fish and sharks have the freedom to leave the aquarium if they so choose to, right?  Well, sadly, Alexa and I discovered most, if not all, of the Barcelona aquarium tanks are enclosed and quite small and none of the fish are there due to rescue and rehabilitation efforts.  And worst of all, they have a small enclosure with Humbolt penguins.  They might not be the exact same penguins we’ve been watching over and over in Happy Feet, the Emperor and Adelie penguins, but to us PENGUINS ARE PENGUINS!  SENTIENT ANIMALS WITH FEELINGS AND THEY BELONG IN THE WILD WITH THEIR FAMILIES!  At least they had some animal-free educational attractions for the kids as well.

After our L’aquarium experience, we cautiously absorbed entertainment of Las Ramblas, ate tapas and paella, played in the Olympic Park, enjoyed the Magic Fountain of Montjuic, chased pigeons, visited Gaudi’s Cathedral, Mommy experienced some inspiring moments at the Museu Nacional D'art de Catalunya, and we took the open-top tour bus all around the city.

Oddly enough, in the land of “good coffee”, Starbucks litters the streets of Barcelona.  I considered getting a venti half calf soy latte or a venti decaf iced soy latte or even going crazy and getting a frapaccino, but ultimately I avoided the temptation to cave into my state-side addiction.

The trip home was uneventful except for our mid trip petrol, toilet and food stop.  We somehow wound up inside of a “McDeath” aka McDonnalds.  I have to admit, I honestly haven’t stepped foot inside a McDonnalds in so many years I have no idea when the last time was.  Easily over 12 years ago, so I really don’t have anything to compare this experience with, but when did McDeath start doing everything on computers?  You walk in and instead of ordering your food from a counter person, you go to a computer booth set up in the center of the restaurant like the e-ticket machines at the airport, stick in your credit card and punch in your own order.  Not that it is a bad thing, just something else new to experience.  While G waited for our nasty so called food, Alexa and I decided to play in the germ infested play area.  There were no slides, no obstacle coarse, no basket of balls to slide into like I remembered from my childhood.  Instead there was a cartoon about chickens in French playing and a game where you had to match the animal with the “food” humans use the animal for.  I have to admit, it was disturbing.  We left with our pile of greasy pomme frites and 10 day old sliced apples and grapes and jumped back into the car to drive the last three hours back to Juan les Pin.

Jours à Monaco

The fish pedicure, one of the new attractions at the summer carnival at Port Hercule in Monaco, caught my eye only as we were heading back to the train with an exhausted 2 year old.  While Daddy G worked on some of the yachts in the port this morning, Alexa and I spend hours jumping on trampolines (3 euros for 10 minutes of jump time), riding carousels, running around blow-up fun houses, riding Nemo-themed plastic log boats, painting a carnival mask and “fishing” for plastic ducks.  Although most of the people in the French Riviera are… well… to be quite blunt, assholes to children and adults alike, this area is full of childhood entertainment.  Numerous parks and playgrounds are scattered along the coast from Cannes to Gulf Juan to Juan les Pins to Antibes to Monaco and on in to Italy.  Carousels are common, bumper cars, paid trampolines and plastic bubble enclosures where you run around inside while floating on water are very popular.  Water rollercoasters, paddle boats, parasailing, air hockey and arcades are all quite common as well.  And if you can squeeze yourself onto a tiny spot on one of the Mediterranean’s public beaches, you can enjoy swimming in the clear, cool, gold flecked ocean with all the other hundreds of European travelers.  Or, if you don’t want to fight for a space on the sand, you can pay 40 Euro for a beach chair at one of the adorable French bistro’s on the la playa.  Ha!  Let me put that in perspective for you… 40 Euro is about $60 USD.  And once you rent a beach chair, you are required to purchase all your water and food from their place too.  A day at the beach on the French Riviera for a couple or a family can easily run you 200+ Euro if you are not careful.  But the fish… the fish pedicure at the summer carnival at Port Hercule in Monaco, is only a mere 10 Euro, I believe.  Some people claim the fish in these fish pedicure tanks transfer diseases from one person’s foot to the next.  Some remind us that the fish pee and poo inside these tanks we stick our feet in to be “cleaned”.  Some claim it is the most sanitizing way to get a pedicure and their feet have never been smoother.  Some believe the fish pedicure is animal cruelty.  I think Alexa and I will head back over to Monaco this week to investigate this fish pedicure a little further for ourselves.

le Quatorze Juillet

My morning began on facebook newsfeed greeted by a quote posted by someone close to me… "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

This quote is so true in so many ways.  I distinctly remember making a conscious decision at 24 years old to forget the bad and focus on the good.  To let go of all my childhood hurt and pain.  To forgive and forget and move into a new realm of lifelong possessiveness.  Then a few years later, I made a conscious decision to walk away from drama and people who create it.  I love the people who treat me right and pray for the ones who don’t.  LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE ANYTHING BUT HAPPY.  Falling down is a part of life, getting back up IS LIVING!!!

FYI, I posted some recent updates on: http://ourpregnancymindbodyspirit.blogspot.com/  if you are interested.  Enjoy!

A Lovely Day

Loosing my mind is a thing of the past!  Alexa slept for twelve and a half hours last night without a peep and she seems to be back to her happy, fun, non-temper-tantrum self again today.  Every day is getting better and better.  We went to the beach this morning and had so much fun.  The weather was perfect, the sand was fluffy, and the ocean was clear turquoise although a bit cold, but we still swam for small bits of time.  We had a little picnic on the beach together and built and destroyed sand castles.  While Alexa napped in the afternoon, I was able to enjoy a bit of yoga on the terrace.  It was a lovely day… and productive too.  I’m catching up on work, updating my blog and facebook, and studying my French while she sleeps tonight.  I think we better do it all over again Sunday.

I'm loosing my mind

Contrary to my blog a couple of days ago, I’m loosing my mind.  I’m in French paradise and things are not going as smoothly as previously suspected.  Alexa is NOT adjusting this time to the new time zone or the fact that we are in a strange place, alone, and Daddy is no where to be found.  I can’t even take a shower without her standing outside the shower crying for me.  She will only sleep if I lay down with her in her bed and if I try to sneak out for a few hours while she sleeps to try to work or do something, anything, for myself or around the house, she wakes up crying for me and we have to start all over again.  In addition to all this, Alexa is fighting me no mater what I try to do for her… change her diaper, help her get dressed to go play, it doesn’t matter, a fight.  This is NOT my sweet little Alexa angel.  This is my sweet little Alexa angel in crisis mode.  It is so hard on me.  I’m exhausted and my patience is not what it usually is.  Not only am I not sleeping either, but being prego on top of all this is really wearing me down physically, mentally and emotionally.  Plus, I feel awful for her.  She must be so confused and afraid right now.  Strange place, strange people, everyone here speaks a strange language, no Daddy.  I am trying to be understanding, compassionate, explaining things as best I can to her… all the while also trying to let her know throwing crayons at me, screaming at the top of her lungs, deliberately doing what I ask her not to do and kicking me is not appropriate.  In between dealing with Alexa’s 50 million melt downs these last two days as well as a few melt downs of own, Alexa and I managed to hang at the beach, play at the park, ride a bike to another park, have pizza at a local beach café, go on a few walks, eat some gelato, grocery shop, oh and I actually was able to work just enough to get by one more day while she napped and one night while she slept.  OMG, I’m loosing my mind.

Lotus Flower Family

The ocean beneath your feet, the gentle rocking of the boat, like rocking a baby to sleep.  Sunrises paint the entire sky purple, orange, pink.  Ocean breezes moisten your skin and salty dew in your hair.  Sunsets, moon rises, moon light glittering on the waves, so, so, so many stars.  You feel connected to everything and nothing at the same time.  I feel what George is feeling.  That’s why it didn’t surprise me one bit when I received a phone call from him telling me “this is so me.  This is what I am supposed to be doing.  This is what WE are supposed to be doing.”  I agree.  We are supposed to be on the water.  That connection is stronger than I can explain in words.  Today, if I were to choose to sail across the ocean working on someone else’s yacht, each minute the ocean took the boat farther away from my Alexa, I would crumble.  I would literally die inside and crumble.  Yachting days were the best days of my life.  But I knew, when I looked into Alexa’s eyes for the first time, I would never work on a yacht again unless I could take Alexa with me. Some people do it and love it.  They have great owners who understand and respect their crews wants and needs for family.  For me, most likely working and living on someone else’s 100 million dollar yacht is not part of the equation any longer, but why not own our own smaller yacht and sail around the world as a family.  This nomadic, free-spirited mommy is still a yachtie mommy at heart.  A couple blogs ago I mentioned beginning to grow roots… well, who ever said my roots, my home base, needs to be on land?  Think of the lotus flower.  They live, breath, thrive in the water and they are the most beautiful, spiritual flowers of them all.

We Made It… Finally!

As always, Alexa did surprisingly, absolutely amazing on both flights for the entire thing.  She only slept about 2 hours total, but kept in good spirits mostly the rest of the time.  For me that trip is on a similar level to someone ripping your nails off your toes and fingers one by one with pliers.  It is just impossible for me to find a comfortable position and I am always dying of dehydration begging the damn flight attendants if I can find any of them to PLEASE BRING ME SOME MORE WATER!  What the hell do you think I am, a camel?  This bump is not on my back, it’s on my belly damn it!  Making the most out of these torturous hours and hours of pure ass numbing, feet swelling awake time, I focused some on baby distinctly feeling her move three separate times for about 20-30 minutes each time.  His kicks and punches like little fingers poking me from the inside.  It’s the only time in your life you can honestly say when someone kicks and punches you that it warms and melts your heart.

So… now we are here, in Southern France and it’s fucking cold!  Cold in a good way though, perfect weather really in my book, but waaaaay too cold to swim or go to the beach for these Southern Floridians.  The cold is comparable to San Francisco in the Spring.  Chilly in the morning, warms up some mid day with the sunshine, then chilly again at night.  Attire, layers.  Alexa and I are both already on France schedule and it hasn’t even been a day.  She is sleeping right now while I type away on my laptop on our gorgeous terrace overlooking the Mediterranean Sea.

Our apartment is perfect.  The perfect size, clean, great location, it’s even equipped with a toddler guard gate already installed for us on the stairs.  The place is modern… mostly, minus the no AC, but who needs it over here?  The terrace is massive.  We could have great dinner parties at this place IF WE HAD ANY FRIENDS HERE.  Listen you Yachtie Mommy blog followers, come visit us in the French Riviera please so we can shower you with French wines and champagnes and fill your bellies’ with marvelous Mediterranean food.  Please.  Come on now… are you really making me beg?

Sunday, the Day before Heading across the Pond

Good Morning!  What a nice, calm, peaceful Sunday morning today is.  Alexa is still sleeping, a little odd at this late hour in the morning of 7:30am.  This extra sleep is good since we will be embarking on a long, long journey tomorrow to South of France.  I’m finishing laundry, packing, and last minute trip provisioning today, plus a few extra home lock-down preparations for hurricane season …and then, of course, planning to have a little outdoor fun with the munchkin before we are stuck in a mostly seated position for 16 hours tomorrow jumping ahead 6 time zones.  Our carry-on bag will consist of organic cheddar bunnies, “Yummy Earth Organic” lollipops, a portable DVD player, DVDs, laptop, iPhone loaded with toddler apps and cartoons, diapers, wipes, kitten blanket, coloring books, sticker books, crayons, washable markers and activity books like matching, connecting the dots, tracing, mazes, and number and alphabet games.  Oh and of course, passports and an optimistic drawing pad for mommy.  We leave the house Monday morning about 10am (my good friend Nathalie is kind enough to take us to the airport) to catch our flight at 12:20 from FLL to JFK.  Then, after a 3 hour lay over, we jump on our flight from JFK to Nice, France arriving in Nice at 8:20am.  Our friend Kevin will pick us up from the airport to take us the 30 mins drive to our chateau in Antibes / Juan les Pin in the French Riviera.  We will be greeted at the gate by a most generous British woman called Kim who has already stocked the villa with a couple of essentials I asked for… fresh fruit, OJ, fresh baked French bread, salad ingredients, fresh French olive oil, and a package of diapers and wipes.  She is so kind for setting us up like that.

Flying over to France is time is kind of bitter sweet.  George won’t be there to great us like he was in the past.  He isn’t due to arrive until June 18^th or somewhere around there depending on weather.  So, that is a real bummer.  We miss him!  Secondly, I’m going to miss all my friends in Florida.  We love traveling so much, but it is starting to get harder and harder to leave my friends and family.  I’m not complaining about our lifestyle by any means, I mean, getting to spend summers in the Med and winters in the Caribbean is nothing to complain about… but imagine being me in this reality for a second.  I’m flying to a place far, far away alone, 4 and a half months pregnant with my 2 year old daughter.  We arrive in country I barely speak the language and I know no one, but George’s friend Kevin who actually lives in Italy and I actually don’t know him very well.  I am leaving all my friends and family behind and won’t be able speak to them very often via phone since it costs to much.  Thank God for Skype, but I can only do that every so often because of schedules and time differences.  Once Alexa and I arrive in France, I have to find my way around to the grocery store, out door markets, beaches, parks and a place to get a local phone.  On one hand, it is all very exciting.  On another hand, it’s a bit stressful and lonely.  It usually takes us a week to get fully adjusted in a new place to figure out where things are and get into a new routine.  Alexa and I are both great adjusting to the new 6 hour time difference.  Jet lag is only about 24 hours for us because it is really just extreme exhaustion at first since we force ourselves into immediate adjusting by staying awake the first day taking naps, meals and night time sleep on France time.  Yeah, we don’t mess around.  It is full on the second we step off that plane.  Although I am one to value alone time, I do miss my friends and family more and more as my family grows.  I never thought this free-spirited nomad would say this, but as my family grows, my own roots long to grow begging to stay planted for longer and longer periods of time.  Don’t get me wrong… I am definitely still a free-spirited nomad, just one who wants a real home base now too.

I figure by the time George arrives, Alexa and I will be adoring morning bike rides along the French Rivera coast to a fresh French bakery where we devour our daily croissant frais, jus, et cappuccino de déca.  Then maybe we will head to la plage, or maybe le parc, or maybe we will have already made some French amis and have some Frenchie playdates.  The best part about being 6 time zones ahead of Florida is I am 6 hours ahead of my job schedule too.  So, I get to enjoy my mornings with Alexa in France without hounding emails of emergency projects.  As soon as she goes down for her afternoon nap, the emails start and my work day begins.  While she sleeps peacefully, I create graphic design and websites for companies back in the states on their time with no interference in either of our days.

Well, must get back to packing.  My biggest dilemma… how the crap am I going to fit 3 months worth of mine and Alexa’s stuff into two carry-on sized suit cases?!?!?

Good Weather, Great News & More Great News!

I’m coming to a close of my second week straight of working in crisis mode.  Ending days at 1am and restarting at 4 or 5am still hasn’t given me enough time in my day to complete my never ending list of work and other shit on my plate.  I’m in a panic trying to get it all done before….  Why this time crunch?  Well, Alexa and I are flying to France on Monday for 3 months and there’s a ton of stuff to do before we leave.  Daddy G left today to sail a yacht trans-Atlantic.  We won’t see him again until June 20-something.  He’s taking the yacht to Italy, then meeting us over in Juan les Pin / Antibes France.  We already miss him and are praying for good weather and a safe, uneventful voyage.

Some of the many things on my to do list this week before Monday are loads of doctor appointments for myself and Alexa.  Yesterday was the Pediatrician… today we visited the office of Alexa’s surgeon to check on the hydronephrosis in her kidneys which occurred after surgery.  A month ago they weren’t sure if the hydronephrosis was caused by a blockage or something else.  Thankfully, today the results proved the blockage possibility wrong.  Much of the fluid has reabsorbed.  Much more than they even expected at this point.  Yay.  Her right kidney is significantly smaller than the left due to the reflux condition and permanent kidney damage, but they aren’t too concerned.  She will have to be monitored on a regular basis to check for protein in her urine and other complications as she grows.  I think despite the difference in size and function, her kidneys will work perfectly together as a unit for the rest of her life and we will never have to worry again.  J  The news of the massive reduction in hydronephrosis is such a relief.  She will stay on antibiotics for a week or so after we arrive in the Med and then FINALLY OFF THE ANTIBIOTICS, if I choose!… Regardless, I will be dosing her up on the probiotics to try to keep her immune system up.  We won’t find out if the surgery was a complete success until September, but I have faith it worked.  She is strong, healthy, beautiful and full of life.  You can’t tell she had a surgery 6 weeks ago at all.

My doctor appointments consisted of a quick blood test at one office and then a trip to my OBGYN for my 16 week pregnancy check up.  YES, I AM PREGNANT AGAIN!  After over 4 months of keeping a secret I can finally tell everyone!  Alexa is going to have a baby brother or sister.  We won’t know if it is a boy or girl until the birth.  This time, we are keeping the sex of the baby a secret.  We are overly excited and so is Alexa.  She is going to be a wonderful big sister.

If you want to follow my pregnancy, check out our pregancy blog: http://ourpregnancymindbodyspirit.blogspot.com/

Again I wish good weather for George and the rest of the crew on the crossing.  WE LOVE YOU BABE!  See you in a few weeks on the other side!

Presence

My 3am crickets woke me up just long enough to fumble through the dark to silence them and quickly fall back into a slumber.  Although, I begun my day a bit later than I had hoped (at 6am instead of 3am), I still was able to take 20 mins to reflect on all I am grateful for and to go over my loosely organized obligations for the day.  Alexa woke up just before 7am, too late for a boogie on the beach at sunrise, but that doesn’t matter… her refreshed, smily greeting always makes me feel like I’m dancing in a sunrise.  Yoga was squeezed out this morning along with about half of my other Monday obligations.  This sacrifice of exercise is a real pisser for me, but today I was more okay with it.  I was calmer most of the day with only small bouts of panic about getting work done and meeting other obligations.  The 20 minutes of refection helped tremendously.  Just in case I didn’t make myself clear in my yesterday blog, I’ve been a crazy woman lately operating in pure panic mode all day every day.  Today I was a bit better.  Even when I received the news that my life has been permanently deleted, I stayed relatively calm.  Yes, my life has been permanently deleted.  My life for the last two years, gone… my hard drive took a little tumble last week and… well… after spending a week at the best data recovery joint in town… apparently I lost everything.  Everything!  All of my work for the last two years, all of my photos of Alexa’s birth, of our trips, video of Alexa’s first steps, first spaghetti meal, first tooth… everything… gone… forever.  While Alexa napped, I balled my eyes out.  My life was on that damn hard drive!  Despite my private tears, believe it or not, I managed to stay mostly pretty calm through all this.  Disbelief turned to denial.  Denial turned to anger.  Anger to sadness.  Then my mind started… how did I bring this upon myself?  I believe we are the creators of our own lives.  We are not reacting to our circumstances, we bring our circumstances upon ourselves through the energy of emotion and thought, through the energy of love or lack of love.  So, again, I ask myself, how did I bring this upon myself?  I try to be positive, cheerful, inspiring, loving and compassionate every day to everyone.  What did I do to cause this to happen?  Did I wrong someone somehow?  Why did this happen?  Maybe I didn’t wrong anyone, maybe I just opened myself up to accept my next life lesson… a lesson on letting go of attachments.  A lesson on Presence.  I mean, I guess after all, it is just stuff... a whole lot of hard work for years and a lot of amazing photos of memories I can't ever get back.  But, I can always rebuild all those marketing materials, all those ads, those brochures, those websites… and at least I have my photos in my memory.  There's an old Graphic Design joke about how the second time you have to design something, it is easier.  Ha!  Many a Graphic Designers have been in my shoes before... ironically, I was in my shoes when I graduated from undergrad… you’d think I’d learn to back-up my back-ups.  The house I was living in burnt down that same week I was graduating from college and I lost everything.  In fact, this happened the night before I was supposed to present my portfolio for graduation.  Graduating from undergrad alone was a huge change in my life… coupled with a fire… I was devastated.  I later realized loosing all my work, my portfolio, my computer hard drive, my clothes, my furniture, my shoes, my cats, even my toothbrush was almost like a cleansing before I moved into my next life phase.  Is that what this is meant to be… a cleansing before I move into my next life phase?  I did mention I wanted to detox, BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!  This IS a lesson on Presence, isn’t it.  I need to be more present.  I need to be more aware.  To focus on what’s truly important... today.  Because today is all we have.

Let's Dance at the beach with the Sunrise to the Sound of Crashing Waves. We haven’t done that in a while… we need to.

Did you think I fell down the rabbit hole?  Well, I kind of did… 26 days suspended in the reality of a blogging detox.  Yeah, well, not exactly suspended and definitely not a detox.  That’s what I need, not what has happened.  It would be nice if I could suspend my life for just a few moments. A few moments to catch my breath, then my thoughts, then release them.  So much has happened, I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve blogged… but, I’ll spare the details.  Rush. Rush. Rush. Go. Go. Go.  Quick to this project, hurry to that project.  Faster. Faster.  So much stuff on my plate I’m thinking about the next thing while I’m doing something else! How much crap can I possible get done each day?… even Alexa has learned to say “hurry, Mommy, hurry.”  Regretfully, I am guilty of keeping myself so busy I’m neglecting my beautiful child, my husband, and myself.  I can’t even enjoy a shower these days without my mind racing from one thing to the next.  Shhhhhhhh!  Time to start anew, fresh, a rebirth.  Monday morning is a new day… a beautiful new day.  It is important to remember how lucky we are to have one more beautiful day to breath.  To feel the warmth on our skin. To hug the people we love. To hear the birds singing outside.  To smell the spring flowers blooming.  One day it will all be gone.  We don’t know when that day will be.  What will matter on our last day of life?  Will I regret being 5 minutes late to a work meeting, or will I regret not taking 5 minutes to tell my family I love them?  Will I regret missing out on my morning workout, or will I regret missing out on a morning of pure connection with my 2 year old angel?  For me, the answers are obvious.  Time to start anew, fresh, a rebirth.  My Monday will start at 4am to the sound of crickets, my iPhone ring tone wakeup call of choice.  Why the crap 4am?  I’m hoping to give myself 2 to 3 hours in the morning to meditate, get caught up on work, and maybe do a little yoga before my baby opens her angel eyes.  Hummmmm, actually, on second thought… maybe I should set the alarm for 3am instead.  Yes, 3am it is.  I want, and need, to have time to do all three.  Maybe I will get lucky and Alexa will wake up early enough to go to the beach and dance with the sunrise to the sound of crashing waves.  We haven’t done that in a while… we need to.

Thank you!

It’s taken me a week to write this blog.  I’ve tried three times now, but finding the words to describe these last two weeks seems impossible.  It all started the week before Alexa’s surgery when I received a most disturbing phone call from someone I love dearly.  All pain and accusations stemming from misunderstandings and falsehoods.  As Alexa’s surgery grew closer, instead of being able to focus on Alexa, my mind went over and over the phone call situation and texts as I tried desperately to understand how any of this could have happened.  After all the love, time, work and support I’ve given, after all the energy I’ve spent loving and caring and trying to resolve issues so everyone is happy, how could it be thrown in my face like I’m some horrible evil criminal? I hoped and prayed the conflict would resolve, somehow… but alas, we were ultimately abandoned during one of the hardest times of our lives.  George, Alexa, my Mom, my Brother and I spent Alexa’s birthday weekend together alone.  It was still a nice birthday weekend, but a huge pain in my heart made it impossible to devote everything I needed to my baby girl Alexa.  My Dad and Mom drove all the way from Texas, an 18 hour drive one-way to support us.  My brother flew in from Texas for the weekend to give us love and support.  All the phone calls, emails and facebook notes from so many friends and family were so uplifting.  I am so grateful.

The Monday after Alexa’s birthday weekend was the day before surgery.  I struggled desperately.  My mind was silently out of control.  I can’t even describe it.  But I put on a strong face despite the pain.

Tuesday, we arrived at the hospital at 8am.  We went from waiting room to waiting room until we wound up in the Pre-O.R. area.  It took everything in me to remain strong in there.  When the surgical nurse took my baby out of my arms and walked out the door with her I crumbled inside.  The doc said 2 hours from start to finish, so I looked down at my watch and began timing him.  10:43am.  George, my Mom and I relocated to the surgical waiting room to sit with other family members anxiously waiting while their children were being cut open as well.  “The Price is Right” was on the Television… no one was watching it.  The three of us had random conversations about nothing trying to pass the time without breaking down.  We saw many families come and go.  Time was crawling.  Finally, it had been 2 hours.  But no one came.  1pm. What’s going on?  I was counting on 2 hours and it’s been 2 hours and 17 minutes! Where’s my baby? Is she okay? 1:10pm. A surgical nurse arrives and takes us to the Post-O.R. ICU recovery.

It was such a relief to see my baby girl.  The surgery went well.  Alexa’s vitals looked good, but she still had not opened her eyes.  As she lay there, so beautiful and peaceful, with tubes sticking out of her all over the place, we hovered around her bed in silence listening to the beep, beep, beep of the oxygen and heart monitors.  Suddenly, George turns to us and says, could you imagine if your child suffered from a terminal disease?  Could you imagine if we all had to go through this kind of thing or worse on a regular basis not knowing if our child will survive this round?  We all watched Alexa sleep and thought about how grateful we are that our child is okay.  We thought about how precious life is and how anyone you love could go at any minute.  We must cherish each other, love each other, support each other, respect each other.  If something is happening that you don’t understand, if someone you love has angered you… Don’t hold regrets.  We are all going through so much.  All of us humans.  Each one of us has a story.  Each one of us has happiness, pain, hopes and dreams.  Compassion is so important, more important than anything else.  Life is just too short to let even one day slip by you, to let even one day be wasted in pain, negativity or regret.

George's oldest daughter went through an extremely major back surgery about 3 years ago.  Her mother radiated strength through the experience in front of us all, but I could see in her eyes and I could feel in her heart woman-to-caring-woman she was suffering greatly.  I felt for her and sympathized with her.  George and I were both there, of course, for the entire surgery and week long hospital stay and felt such great pain as well.  I don't know how many times I broke down, in solitude, while driving back to the hotel from the hospital and when trying to sleep in my hotel room while George spent the night in the hospital with her.  When I had to fly home to go back to work, I balled my eyes out the entire flight because it felt so wrong to leave.  It is so heartbreaking to see someone you love go through something like this, but as hard as both these surgeries are for the patient and the parents, we are well aware it could be so much worse and we are so grateful everyone is healthy and strong.

Around 2:30pm, Alexa opened her eyes.  She was weak and thirsty.  She drank 3 cups of Apple juice and then they brought us to her recovery room where Alexa and I stayed for the next four days.  The only time she got out of bed the first three days was after she was forced to move to the chair next to the bed while the nurses cleaned up her vomit and changed the sheets yet again.  I moved her gingerly and helped her to be as comfortable as possible.  Through all her pain and severe nausea, every so often, she would turn to me and say, “Thank you, Mommy.”  Her compassion and gratitude was remarkable even in these tough times.  She’s barely 2 years old and understands more about gratitude than most adults.   Physically and emotionally, it was a tough four days for us both, then things finally began to get better, and fast.

By Friday, Alexa had, had enough.  She was ready and determined to go home.  She walked up and down the hospital halls while being showered with comments from nurses and other hospital staff about how adorable she is.  We had some friends come visit us and Alexa’s hospital bed teamed with stuff animal friend gifts.  My facebook was flooded with friends and family’s prayers and wishes for strength and a fast recovery.  We are so grateful to have so many people who love us and care about us.  We are truly so grateful.  Sadly, I never heard from the loved one who caused so much heartache and grief for me in the week and days leading up to Alexa’s surgery.  I am still deeply hurt and completely confused on what is even happening to our relationship and why.  But, people are who they are.  We can not control them.  All we can do is love them.  If they accept our love, wonderful.  If not, that doesn’t change the fact that we still care.  All I can do now is give thanks for all the support we did receive.  Thank you. Thank you. thank you for helping my daughter overcome this surgery.  Thank you for giving me the strength to handle this difficult time in my life.  Thank you to all our loved ones, family and friends who support us through good times and bad.  Thank you for our health, the sunshine, the rain, the breeze, water, A/C, clean sheets, organic food, smiles, laughs, lemons, peaches, kisses, hugs.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  thank you. thank you.  I can’t say thank you enough.  I am so grateful for all love and life.